Unlocking Potential: How Therapy Fuels Personal Growth

0:00:01 – Announcer

You are listening to the National University Podcast.

0:00:09 – Kimberly King

Hello, I’m Kimberly King. Welcome to the National University Podcast, where we offer an holistic approach to student support, well-being and success- the Whole Human education. We put passion into practice by offering accessible, achievable higher education to lifelong learners. On today’s episode, we’re discussing what clients can expect in therapy, and joining us is National University’s Program Director of the Social and Psychological Department, Dr. Henry Venter. Dr. Venter obtained his doctorate at the University of Johannesburg and has been a practicing psychologist for over 25 years and a professor at National University for over 18 years, and we welcome him to the podcast. Dr. Venter, how are you?

0:00:58 – Doctor Henry Venter

Fine, thank you, Kim. Thank you for having me.

0:01:01 – Kimberly King

Absolutely. Doctor. Why don’t you fill our audience in a little bit on your mission and your work before we get to today’s show topic?

0:01:09 – Doctor Henry Venter

Well, yeah, my mission. At National University. I run the Master’s of Human Behavioral Psychology, which is not a clinical program. I used to run the online clinical program but moved over to this program, which is basically just over a year master’s degree program, fully online. And then I also run a very small practice. I run about 10 clients per week online. Since I just love therapy and I don’t want to step away completely from that and remains my passion to see how people discover that, “Hey, I don’t need to stay in my problem for the rest of my life. My life can change, I can change.” I just love doing that.

0:01:52 – Kimberly King

It sounds like you’re making a difference and you’re very passionate, which it really comes through. So today we are talking about what clients can expect in therapy, and a lot of people maybe some people don’t know about that, so- can therapy seem mysterious to people? And what actually happens in a typical therapy session?

0:02:12 – Doctor Henry Venter

Yeah, that’s true. A lot of people are scared that they will walk in and somebody will read their thoughts in their mind and predict and will know everything about them. And it’s actually not at all like that. Sessions usually last about 50 minutes, most cases once per week, unless it’s a very acute problem, and then you’ll start seeing somebody twice a week. But you and your therapist will talk about what is on your mind, maybe something recent, maybe a deeper pattern you’re exploring.

I usually ask people the first question, is what brought you to therapy? What was the thing that made you decide I need to talk to a therapist? There’s usually some event and we usually just start there and, in actual fact, your therapist knows nothing about you. You are the expert of your life. Your therapist knows nothing about you when you start.

The person- the therapist- gets to know you as time unfolds and you share. So the therapist might ask some thoughtful questions, offer insights and then later on teach skills like mindfulness or boundary settings. Sometimes it can- feels emotional, because you will eventually help people to focus on what is the real issue. Once they discover that, they may become a little bit emotional, but other times it’s very practical, very focused, and often it’s both, but there’s no script and people don’t need to show up and don’t know what to say. Just show up as you are and things will unfold from there.

0:03:45 – Kimberly King

That’s really good advice, but you described therapy as a space that’s just for you. What makes the therapeutic space different from talking to a friend or a loved one?

0:04:01 – Doctor Henry Venter

Well, I think all of us have tried at some point talking to a friend about a problem, but then sometimes the problem only got murkier and a little more confused. So sometimes the most powerful thing we can do isn’t to figure it out alone, but to talk it through with someone who isn’t part of the problem. You see, when you talk to a friend or a family member, they often want to help and they’re great people but inadvertently they may bring their own opinions, emotions or history with you into the mix. So it becomes biased in a sense.

And a therapist is different. We’re trained to listen without judgment, without an agenda and without needing to make the conversation about ourselves, but simply focus on what is happening to this person, what is it doing to them, and what is it that they want to do about it. And that makes it a very open agenda that is focused solely on the person, without pressuring them in any direction. So it’s that neutrality from the therapist that creates something rare- a space that’s just for you. It’s about your story, your emotions, your pace. So imagine sitting with someone whose only goal is to understand your experience, not to fix it, change it, but just to help you understand it better. That’s therapy.

0:05:35 – Kimberly King

Very interesting and I like the way that you talk about what the professional does versus what our loved ones do and how we show up. Can you explain, Doctor, how therapy works even when someone isn’t in crisis?

0:05:49 – Doctor Henry Venter

That’s right, Kim. Even when life is going fine, many people still feel stuck and a lot of them think well, I’m not in a crisis, so therapy is not for me. Therapy is not just for crisis. It’s a place where you can come in with your life questions that you’re struggling with. It’s a space to ask those deeper questions: why do I keep choosing partners who don’t respect me? What do I really want from this next chapter of my life? How do I stop people pleasing, start living more authentically? What is my role, my goal and purpose in life? So these aren’t problems to fix. They are issues that we want to address to grow as people.

So therapy helps you to move from coping with life to crafting a life. So when you’re in crisis, you need somebody to help you cope, but when you have some life questions such as what’s my purpose in life? Then you need somebody that can help you craft a life that reflects who you really are. Because, remember, we live in a life where people go online and then they copy other people. They want to be I want to be famous, like who? Like these other famous people online, but they are inauthentic.

So you basically want to copy an inauthentic person, and that’s where people start making videos which they curate, which they edit. It’s not even them, it’s not really them, they don’t even sound like that. So therapy can help you discover the more authentic you.

So we usually say therapy isn’t just for breakdowns, it’s for breakthroughs. So actually, we need more people that is not in crisis, that will come into therapy and say I need to know more about who I am and how I want to live life. I want to break through my life and become, because the world and the internet is full of fake, false people, and they have millions of followers and it’s the blind leading the blind.

So therapy can then become a tool that you can use when you want to feel more present, more grounded, more connected to your life. So just like going to the gym to stay physically fit, you know, therapy helps us to keep emotionally fit, and I think most people should go to therapy much more regularly. And the best time to start isn’t always when things are falling apart. It’s often when you are ready to grow. It’s actually better to go before things fall apart, and so we want to move from this myth that therapy is only for people in crisis and when things are really bad, not true.

0:08:21 – Kimberly King

I love that. I love a few things that you talked about, from coping to crafting, which again is having that vision forward and really finding that authentic self, and the breakthroughs versus breakdowns. So this is good, great advice for people, no matter what they’re going through.

0:08:38 – Doctor Henry Venter

That’s right.

0:08:39 – Kimberly King

So a lot of people fear they’re just rehashing their past endlessly and just kind of in that cycle. What would you say to them?

0:08:47 – Doctor Henry Venter

That is a big myth. We’re just going to talk about my past. We’re just going to talk to my parents, and I don’t want to talk about them. I’m done with that. A lot of people have that in mind. I’m going to lie on the couch- we don’t actually even use couches- lie on the couch and just talk about who do you want to blame in your life? Not true.

But while understanding your history can be helpful, therapy also focuses on the present. In fact, all therapy should eventually take you from the past to the present, to your thoughts, your choices, relationships and goals. But your present struggles often have deeper roots. So we all carry emotional baggage, whether it’s from childhood, past relationships, family dynamics, some unresolved grief. So that baggage do show up sometimes, and sometimes those stuff from the past is really the problem in the present. So that can affect how you trust people, how you set boundaries, how you talk to yourself, how you treat yourself.

So sometimes we have to go back to the past in order to make the present better. But we’re not going to stay there. But so therapy can help you identify what are you carrying from your past that you should have let go a long time ago and how it’s weighing you down, because it can create patterns.

So we use that to understand how does the present behavior and patterns reflect to stuff that comes from your past. So it is important, but we always say that it is important to see where I got wounded, because sometimes people are wounded in the past and they’re still bleeding there. Then we have to go back there and then we bring them to the present-but you’re not going to stay there. So the therapy can become that redo, that trusting space that eventually can help you to function better in the present. So it must eventually become about the present and make you more functional, stronger and help you to enjoy life more in the present.

0:10:53 – Kimberly King

I love that as well, and it is true that I think sometimes we don’t even know what’s in the past until we talk to a professional like yourself. But even that generational healing or that baggage that we’re holding. Maybe we don’t even know what happened then, and those are. We’re apt to make those same mistakes, so I think that’s so important. What should someone look for to know whether a therapist is the right one for them?

0:11:20 – Doctor Henry Venter

You know, one of the most important parts of therapy isn’t the technique, it’s the relationship. So a lot of people go after the techniques, like I want to go to a cognitive behavioral specialist, I want to go to this kind of specialist, that kind of specialist. But therapy is about the relationship. It’s actually the relationship that heals. The research has shown that, regardless of the approach the therapist is using or the modality, the biggest curative factor in therapy is the relationship that you connect to someone, that you become accountable to and that you open up about something that you’ve never talked about and really become authentic and open in that relationship.

So, the relationship is the most important curative factor because it creates a space where you feel safe, respected, understood. But sometimes, after a while, you may find you and the therapist is not a good fit, and there’s nothing wrong with that. A while ago I switched from my doctors. My primary care physician was not a good fit for me, and I switched. There’s nothing wrong- I think the other doctor was a great doctor. It was just not a good fit for me and I went to another doctor that I heard about and I was glad I did, because he spent much more time, he talked more about things. That was important to me because I didn’t want to stay just with. You know, go to regular prescribed medication. I want to know- can I use vitamins? He was open about that. He says all right, you go to this route, let’s do this, so it’s a better fit, so you allow to do that, and it’s just like with any other professional therapist or other professional service.

So don’t expect that the first time I’ve got to stay here. It’s not working for me. It may not work because then the relationship is important, but sometimes the approach you might also find I don’t like this approach as much. So, it’s hindering the development of the relationship. Because, remember, in the end you must begin to trust your therapist. If you don’t, it doesn’t matter what approach they’re using, it’s not going to work. So that’s why we often find in therapy after the fifth or sixth session the client will say well, I want to tell you something that I haven’t actually told you before.

So why haven’t they told me in the beginning? Because they simply didn’t trust me. We didn’t have that kind of relationship. By the sixth session they’re now willing to tell me something. That’s actually very pivotal. Sometimes it’s the thing that we should actually knew. But we are very open that they’re not going to do it in the beginning. They want to check it out and so ask questions, trust your gut, and if you have to switch therapists or go to someone else, you’re not failing therapy, if you need a different style. You’re advocating for yourself, so that’s very important. Find somebody that you feel I can develop a relationship with, I can trust and I can talk to.

0:14:18 – Kimberly King

Well and I love that you say that too about you know we can feel free to change your doctor, your therapist. I mean, sometimes I don’t think we think about that. We think, oh, that’s who we have and we’re good to go. But you know, our bodies change, we change, and so I like that you’ve kind of given us that free will. It’s okay, nobody’s going to judge you. We need to make it work for you. So you say therapy can sometimes feel slow or subtle, but how does a client know if therapy is actually helping them?

0:14:49 – Doctor Henry Venter

Well, here’s the thing that therapy isn’t magic. Your therapist doesn’t solve your life, although a lot of clients will come into therapy and say, well, tell me what, I just want to know, what do I need to do about this and that and that? And actually, the worst thing one can do in therapy is to tell them. Because, number one, they are not you, and you don’t know them well enough.

Number two, they’re not ready to hear what you tell them. Remember, all the answers to questions in life is already published. Every Amazon, every bookstore, every library is full of all- So why don’t people just go read it and change? Because they’re not ready. And even if they buy a book- when people buy these books, they read them they don’t change because they can’t have a relationship with the book. They read it once and they like what they read. It’s like, wow, this is really good. Then they put the book down and they carry on. There’s no relationship, there’s no going back to the book. After a couple of weeks, the book’s gone.

And so therapy is a place where we actually get people to tell us something and they tell us again, and they tell us again and it becomes clearer over time. They don’t realize that they’re actually telling me the same thing several times over, but that is how we actually delve deeper into this and so- but the changes is therefore subtle and, in actual fact, we don’t want fast change.

The only people who advertise fast change is the weight loss industry. How to lose 14 pounds in two weeks? Sure, cut off your arms and legs, maybe you will, but then you also be in deep trouble. But interestingly enough, it works. Because the weight loss industry is a massive industry. For years and years, people fall for quick answers without- Oh, they usually add out till it’s 14 pounds in two weeks, eating everything you like. And people still fall for that, because when we have a problem, we want to solve it quickly.

But therapy is more subtle but more powerful, because what changes takes a little bit more time to change is going to be lasting change. And so, as you talk, the act of putting thoughts into words actually helps your brain make new connections. Because what we are looking for is what really brings change, it’s not people telling you what to do differently. It’s when you develop the insight, number one, what is my problem, what caused the problem and then you decide what you’re going to do about it. That’s lasting change.

So that’s why we want them- the client will know therapy is working when they begin to notice patterns. So I always react this way when I feel ignored and it actually reminds me of a time when I was a child and always felt ignored and inadequate. Well, so I’m an adult now, but I’m actually reacting with child emotions, I’m not fully in the present. So that is the kind of change that a client wants to begin to see.

So in therapy we try to create what we call the inside loop. This is when reflecting out loud with a professional can help a person uncover patterns and the root causes driving their behavior. So we listen as therapists reflect back what they hear, and without telling them what’s the answer, but just basically giving them back. So when somebody asks me well, what do I need to do? Do I need to leave this part? Well, I will say so.

What you’re actually asking me today is you want to know if you need to leave this partner. So what did I say? I just basically said what they said to me, and you know what? Then they will keep talking and then they ask me again and then I will reflect back the same thing, because I’m not there to tell them to leave the partner.

I don’t even know what’s the problem yet, and nor do they, so we’re all both in the blind spot. What do we need is insight- what is happening here, and what is that that they want to do in the end, so that back and forth creates an insight loop. And that may take time, that may be subtle, but that is valuable time, because you will develop insight not to just solve that problem that you came into therapy for, but also to solve other problems in your life, and this is why therapy is such a powerful tool.

0:19:11 – Kimberly King

Like as if you’re adding tools to the toolbox and that we see a whole new way of you know relating whether it be for just that one partner, for people at work, but you have really opened up a whole way of thinking differently as the therapist. So what are some early signs that you’ve seen that that therapy is actually making a difference, even before big changes show up externally?

0:19:36 – Doctor Henry Venter

Well, if we work with acute cases, we want to see symptom reduction. That’s our first goal. If somebody shows up with severe anxiety that is impairing them, then we want to try and address that as soon as possible. Sometimes it includes referring them for a medical evaluation for possible medication, because sometimes they’ve never thought about that, and that is proven to help for things like anxiety and depression. But we want to look for symptom reduction because, remember, if somebody remains distraught, keep on crying, we have a hard time talking. So we want to see symptom reduction in acute cases.

In non-acute cases, we want to see that there is developing a relationship, a stronger relationship, where they feel safer, simply because they feel they have a resource in therapy. That is a major gain. So they just feel more hopeful. So in acute cases you want to create symptom reduction. In other cases you want to create hope that- we don’t know how we’re going to solve this problem. But you know what? You have somebody in your corner that can help you and you can sometimes see that in the way they show up they just show up a little bit more hopeful. So those are a lot of big revelations. No insight yet, but just a sense of hope that things have a chance of getting better in the future.

0:21:00 – Kimberly King

I think in this world we’re living in today, I think we all need hope, no matter where you are. Right, yeah, and just having that person to really talk to and have that professional guidance. From your perspective, doctor, as a therapist, how do you know when therapy is working for a client and what do you look for or listen for?

0:21:20 – Doctor Henry Venter

Well, firstly, I look if they come back. If they come back for a second session and a third session, something’s good. If it doesn’t work, they don’t come back, they just disappear, they go. Okay, something didn’t work. I don’t know what- I haven’t tried my best, I think I did. I don’t know because sometimes it’s not there. So if they come back? So when I taught therapists at the university, I usually taught them the goal of the first session is what? And they would come up with these lofty goals, and I said no, the goal of the first session is to make sure they come back for the second session, because if they don’t come back for the second session, no matter what you said, no matter how great your insight, no matter the knowledge you have or the approach you have, it’s all worthless, but they get to come back. You make sure that in the first session they come back, that you create a meeting that they feel- I feel I will come back next week.

So remember, when somebody goes to therapy, the family will ask them afterwards, because sometimes it takes a long time to get somebody in therapy and somebody will go, well, how was it what? Because sometimes it takes a long time to get somebody in therapy and someone goes well, how was it, what did he say? What did she say? And so you know, if they come back and say, well, I don’t know, the person didn’t talk at all, he just sat there, so what did he say about me, I don’t know what I should do, then the chances are that that person might not come back very high.

And so you want to create a conversation in the first session where people feel they talk to a real person, because the world that we come from there was an approach that said you don’t ask me of my personal life, people ask my personal life, and I tell them my personal life, my hobbies and stuff, but nothing to hide. I’m a real person, and as long as I don’t become the focus of the conversation, that’s fine. But they want to feel they talk to a real person.

Real hope, but in the process, what I want to see in that first couple of sessions is growth and insight. I want to see that the client don’t continue focusing on the same theme every week. If a client comes back the third, the fourth, the fifth day, and they keep on blaming someone else. They want to tell me just a different version of what the other person did, then there’s zero insight.

Because the other person is not in therapy. You are in therapy. I don’t want to talk about the other person. I want to talk about you, and sometimes people get stuck there. So people ask you when is therapy not working ,and when will people eventually stop coming when they get stuck, I just want to talk about other people, and they don’t realize that this is about you and what it’s doing to you. And when that happens and they start seeing I need to talk about what it does to me and my emotions, then it can lead to understanding and insight, which is the precursor to change.

0:24:08 – Kimberly King

And that’s a really good point too. I like that you said you’re the one in therapy. They’re not, and I’m dealing with you, and it is true. So therefore, you know you help move that ball forward. So therapy is sometimes referred to as a therapeutic relationship, as a healing experience itself. Can you explain how that plays a role in progress?

0:24:37 – Doctor Henry Venter

Yes, I usually say that what was wounded in relationship- because most people’s wounds from the past come from a relationship- relationship with their parents- sorry, parents- bless you, but sometimes you have to blame you or relationship with other adults, relationship with the previous partner, but usually the wounds come from relationship, but usually the wounds come from relationships. So what was wounded in relationship can be healed in a relationship, in the therapeutic relationship. It’s healing through connection. Therefore, you must make a connection with your therapist. It can’t stay impersonal.

The therapeutic relationship becomes a corrective emotional experience in itself. So that’s the place where there can be a redo in a safe, trusting environment where you can experience being seen, being heard and supported in a way that you may not have been through. That’s where we can even role play some of their reactions that they had and how that might not be the best reactions. So when that connection in relationship is made, that’s where you make that internal realization I am safe now, I’m allowed to feel, I’m not alone, I’m heard, I’m being seen. And that in itself brings out the trust that somebody that’s stuck in the past- because wounds in the past keeps us stuck emotionally there- allows them to come out of there and then that ripples, that healing, ripples outwards into the rest of their life, in their relationships and into their self-concept.

0:26:06 – Kimberly King

You know I’ve had a little bit of experience, but really hearing- I don’t know that it’s talked about enough. And what you’re talking about literally is based on relationships and a lot of those wounds people do get from the way they were raised or their parents and you know you don’t know when you’re in the middle of going through it, but as you step outside and that’s where your professional therapy comes in, that you know, it’s really having to navigate through that. So I think it’s. I love this. So we’re seeing more people use therapy terms as gaslighting, boundaries, and trauma, and I really do start to hear this a lot now, or I see it on social media, but not always accurately. So what happens when someone uses therapy language to manipulate or control others?

0:26:55 – Doctor Henry Venter

When therapy terms like gaslighting, boundaries, trauma are misused, they can become weapons rather than tools for understanding, and it’s usually when people heard these terms but they did not develop insight and understanding in therapy. So now they only have these terms, but they haven’t grown.

And these words carry power and when misapplied, they can be used to silence others or to shame others or even to avoid responsibility to change, because sometimes somebody is not gaslighting you, telling you something that’s not- they’re telling you the truth about the relationship and what’s happening between us, and then to simply shove that to the side, that you’re gaslighting me is avoiding what should be talked about.

So when, for example, somebody might accuse a partner of violating my boundaries simply because their partner disagrees with them or holds them accountable, I mean, when you messed up, when you screwed up, you screwed up. And if your partner wants to talk about you, they are not shaming you or not violating your boundaries or gaslighting you.

You messed up and you need your own up, and then you can’t hide behind that, and that just shows that you do not understand what’s supposed to have happened in therapy, because if there was growth, you would have become more accountable. So it distorts the original intent of therapy, which is about growth, about empathy, about relational honesty. It should make you more authentic, more open, more connected to other people, but we see this happening, definitely.

0:28:32 – Kimberly King

What would you say to someone who feels like their partner or their loved one is weaponizing therapy, talk to avoid accountability or shut down the conversation, kind of like what you were just talking about. Like to really shut that down.

0:28:45 – Doctor Henry Venter

Yes. Well, first of all, you’re not imagining it. You know this does happen and so it’s real. When someone uses therapy language to avoid rather than to engage, it can feel incredibly invalidating. And initially you might not know what to do because you know, you realize, but this should not be happening. So they might say things like that- Well, when you talk like that, you’re triggering.

But I’m talking about real stuff, I’m talking about our relationship. I’m talking about- we need to talk about this. So if this triggers you doesn’t mean we can never talk about it? So that means the person is just deflecting from a hard but necessary conversation that should happen in the relationship.

So one way to respond is to bring it back to the relationship. So I wanna honor your experience and your feelings, but I also want us to have real conversations about our relationship, what’s happening between us, and for both of us to take responsibility. So if the dynamic persists, of course, you should consider going to therapy yourself and you should consider asking your partner or the other person to go to couples therapy or to bring in a third party to unpack that, because it means that the partner did not understand therapy correctly and is now building kind of a false wall around them not to grow any further. So it’s going to inhibit their own growth, and they don’t even realize that.

0:30:19 – Kimberly King

You know what and on that note, I do have a friend that is her husband just asked her for a divorce and she does not want it. But you kind of alluded to this too. Is it good for her to just go to therapy if he’s not willing to? Is that something that-?

0:30:30 – Doctor Henry Venter

Absolutely. A lot of couple therapy happens in individual therapy. I work with a lot of people that come to therapy individually, because the worst thing you can do is drag somebody into couple therapy that don’t want to be there. I did couples therapy for years with couples like that until I stopped that. I said this is not working. What amount of money you pay, I can’t do this because all what will happen is their conflicts will spill over into therapy because one person doesn’t want to be there.

It is way more effective to only work with one person about the relationship. So the issue they then bring in is the relationship. Now we’re not going to sit there and gossip about the other person. We want to then focus on what that is doing to the client and what options, what alternatives they have in situations such as my partner seems to have disengaged from the relationship emotionally and it seems to be leading to a divorce. It is a great time to go into therapy to start talking about what is happening, what it’s doing to you, and what you can do. Don’t fight that fight alone.

0:31:36 – Kimberly King

Good, I kind of told her the same thing, so I’m glad to hear this from you.

0:31:40 – Doctor Henry Venter

Yeah, you’re already a good therapist, just there.

0:31:43 – Kimberly King

Be a good listener, right? Is there a way to tell the difference between someone using insight to grow versus someone using insight to control the narrative?

0:31:55 – Doctor Henry Venter

Yeah, there is, and it often comes down to behavior change. True insight leads to a curiosity, a humility and a willingness to do things differently, not just to explain things away. When someone is growing, you’ll hear them say things like that’s hard to hear, but I want to sit with it. Or I didn’t realize I was doing that. Can we talk about that? Instead of saying you’re triggering me or you’re gaslighting me.

By contrast, when somebody uses insight to control the narrative, it can feel performative or deflective, like saying, well, I only acted that way because of my trauma, so- but still continuing in the same harmful behavior without accountability. That means like, okay, if we’re going to be here forever, you’re never going to grow because your trauma makes you behave like that and you can’t get over that. So we’re stuck with your behavior.

And that’s when somebody misunderstand. You know they’re using their insight to control. Well, I have trauma- That’s maybe an insight they have, it happened to them, but it doesn’t mean their behavior needs to stay the same. So growth should be evidenced by evolution, not just explanation. If therapy leads to growth, it will lead to behavior change. Even if it’s slow, it will lead to behavior change. If not, then it’s a problem.

0:33:17 – Kimberly King

I like hearing the vocabulary that you just used toward both of those concepts and ideas there. What advice would you give someone in a relationship with a person who claims to be doing the work but uses it to justify hurtful behavior, which is kind of what you were also just saying?

0:33:35 – Doctor Henry Venter

Yeah, yeah. So it kind of adds to that. Yeah, it’s important to remember that doing the work in therapy doesn’t give anyone a free pass to harm others. You can’t hide, oh, it’s my trauma that does that, it’s my anxiety that does that. You know, real self-work includes being open to feedback, acknowledging impact and making changes, not just naming your wounds. You are growing and you’re becoming understanding that my behavior, that I live in relationship and my behavior hurts others and therefore I need to take accountability.

If your partner talks about healing but doesn’t take accountability or continues to act in destructive ways, it’s okay to question whether the work is being done in good faith. You don’t have to stay in a dynamic where growth is used as a shield. You can say something like, I respect that you’re working on yourself, but I also need to feel emotionally safe, respected, in this relationship and with you. So sometimes the most powerful thing we can do is to stop analyzing someone else’s healing and start protecting our own and maybe talk to somebody about that when that happens.

0:34:40 – Kimberly King

That’s a really important point too. Can therapy itself ever become a tool for avoidance, like endlessly exploring the past without making changes in the present? And how do you avoid that?

0:34:52 – Doctor Henry Venter

Yeah, absolutely it can happen. You know, insight without action can become a kind of emotional procrastination and people can end- up in that kind of therapy, they end up going to therapy for years without changing. They end up using psychotropic medication for years without changing. So we can get stuck understanding ourselves so deeply that we avoid challenging ourselves to do something different. And that means that kind of therapy is not focused in eventually focusing the person on everything we do here, how is that going to make you different? How is things going to be different in your present?

Good therapy balances reflection with forward movement. The past is important, but only to the extent that it helps you live more freely in the present. That’s why an effective therapist will gently but firmly ask what would change look like for you in the present? Or how might you start experimenting with something new that we take here from therapy, even if it’s hard or feels unfamiliar for you? So therapy works best when it connects your story to your choices, so you don’t just unpack the past but actually reshape your future.

0:36:07 – Kimberly King

I like that. So what would you advice someone in therapy that who won’t take the advice that therapist gives?

0:36:17 – Doctor Henry Venter

Therapy is for anyone who wants more clarity, peace or personal growth, not just- we said it earlier- it’s not just for serious mental illness. It certainly started there, but it has grown fundamentally into a growth tool for people who want to explore their own functioning and personality and purpose in life deeper. So it’s for anyone.

It’s like going to the gym for your emotional life and if you can, if you have the ability, do that. So think about your physical health. You don’t wait until you have a heart attack to start eating vegetables or going for walks. The idea is what we see nowadays is to become more functional in our health and start earlier. Therapy is the same. Don’t wait for a crisis. You know, it’s valuable when there’s crisis, but it is way more functional if you start earlier in your life when there are issues, because you can grow stronger. So if you face a crisis, you are going to be strong.

So when you’re ready to grow, that’s the time to start. You want to develop more understanding, develop your understanding of your own patterns, how you function in the world, where your future is going, world where your future is going. So, in fact, some of the best therapy happens when somebody is actually stable enough to explore, to reflect and to grow. So not having a major mental crisis is actually a much better time to enter therapy, and it is much more available with all the online platforms.

Personally, I work in an online platform with clients in California and I see them from everywhere. I see them during their lunchtime. It’s much more mobile and much more available. To enter is so much more easier than before. Waiting times is so much more easier. It has just become a tool that’s so much more available and, I think, a valuable tool in the world that we’re living in, because, as we can see, the world is a very challenging place.

It creates a lot of fear, a lot of anxiety. There’s a lot of changes in the workforce. As we’re seeing, AI is taking over. A lot of people are losing their jobs, and a lot of people are questioning what am I going to do in the future? Well, don’t sit with it on your own. Go to therapy, talk to somebody. Why would you do it alone? It’s like, why would you dig a hole? If I’m standing next to you and I say I can help you dig a hole, would you continue digging the hole on your own? Or would you say well, sure, Henry, jump in if you want to help me, I love it. Don’t do it alone. Go to the therapist and help you dig a hole and get you out of the hole.

0:38:55 – Kimberly King

Right, you know, and I think National University has always been ahead of the game. You know when things really changed in the world during covid for being online, and, like you said, it’s just literally during your lunch break. You can get an appointment ahead of time. But you’re right, it’s bringing someone alongside with you during all of this. Well, thank you very much for sharing your wonderful knowledge again, and if you want more information, you can visit National University’s website at nu.edu. And thank you so much for your time again, Doctor. We really appreciate it.

0:39:29 – Doctor Henry Venter

Thank you, Kim, nice talking to you.

0:39:31 – Kimberly King

Thank you. You’ve been listening to the National University Podcast. For updates on future or past guests, visit us at nu.edu. You can also follow us on social media. Thanks for listening.